Over the last few days I have found myself changing my mind
about small things because of something my husband said. Before I explain I should say that my husband,
Adam, for the most part is not pushy or demanding. The few incidences I am referring to are
things like, “I am going to take a shower” and he says, “Why are you going to
take a shower we are going to be in the car all day”. Ok I don’t take a shower. Later he is surprised that I haven’t taken a
shower despite his comment. I am not always so easily thrown off track. Things
have changed.
When I decided to quit my job and stay home with our
daughter I took several things into consideration. Our finances for example played a big role in
decision and we knew we were taking a huge risk. What I didn’t take into
consideration was the balance of power and trust and how that would affect me
and Adam. Power and the ability to make money and the actually making of money
are an intrical part of feeling value.
I work every day at keeping our daughter healthy, active, educated
and happy; and our house semi-clean. I
am busy everyday almost all day including late night, night-mares and in infancy
late night feeding and diaper changing. Every day I woke up feeling worthless
like my contribution was not worthy of anything. I felt like I had, from one day to the next,
become completely invalid and separated from the world. I was not a woman or a
person-I was a mother. I did not feel I had the right to an opinion or decision
making power in my relationship. I felt
completely dependent on my husband and the choices that he made. Am I wrong? Overtime
I have become more confident but really I was a new mother with an infant child
that I could not leave in daycare. I did
not have family childcare support and even if I did the job market is so bad. Getting
a job interview is and was torture never guaranteed anything.
I had never felt the correlation between money and power so
strongly. Even though my husband feels
strongly about “our” money being the money that he earns I felt incredibly
vulnerable to his will. I felt a
complete loss of power. With time I am beginning
to feel more powerful and more confident in the power sharing. However the dynamic of power and money should
be more closely studied and not discounted. The role that money and power plays
in the class struggle and now in the slumped job market should not be ignored.
Money and the power that follows it seem to be worshiped in
our country. To see that one just has to
look at celebrity and who has political power. The most brilliant scientists are
often ignored the most honest politicians and knowledgeable historians can
often get a book published but are rarely known in popular culture or given the power to make real change. When I tell my daughter to be honest, kind, and
to work hard I feel like I might be setting her up for failure.
The other day I overheard a woman saying to her daughter that she was
rude, stubborn, and mean and that is just how she likes her. Is this what we are striving for? Are these
the new characteristics we look for when we are electing our congress people
for example? Unyielding? Stubborn? Ignorant? Incapable of listening? Powerful
without merit? Are these the qualifications for employment? No wonder I can’t find my place I am totally confused about how
to find power and get back into the job market the rules have completely
changed.
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