What are the rules of power and money?

 

Over the last few days I have found myself changing my mind about small things because of something my husband said.  Before I explain I should say that my husband, Adam, for the most part is not pushy or demanding.  The few incidences I am referring to are things like, “I am going to take a shower” and he says, “Why are you going to take a shower we are going to be in the car all day”.  Ok I don’t take a shower.  Later he is surprised that I haven’t taken a shower despite his comment. I am not always so easily thrown off track. Things have changed.

When I decided to quit my job and stay home with our daughter I took several things into consideration.  Our finances for example played a big role in decision and we knew we were taking a huge risk. What I didn’t take into consideration was the balance of power and trust and how that would affect me and Adam. Power and the ability to make money and the actually making of money are an intrical part of feeling value. 

I work every day at keeping our daughter healthy, active, educated and happy; and our house semi-clean.  I am busy everyday almost all day including late night, night-mares and in infancy late night feeding and diaper changing. Every day I woke up feeling worthless like my contribution was not worthy of anything.  I felt like I had, from one day to the next, become completely invalid and separated from the world. I was not a woman or a person-I was a mother. I did not feel I had the right to an opinion or decision making power in my relationship.  I felt completely dependent on my husband and the choices that he made. Am I wrong? Overtime I have become more confident but really I was a new mother with an infant child that I could not leave in daycare.  I did not have family childcare support and even if I did the job market is so bad. Getting a job interview is and was torture never guaranteed anything.

I had never felt the correlation between money and power so strongly.  Even though my husband feels strongly about “our” money being the money that he earns I felt incredibly vulnerable to his will.  I felt a complete loss of power.  With time I am beginning to feel more powerful and more confident in the power sharing.  However the dynamic of power and money should be more closely studied and not discounted. The role that money and power plays in the class struggle and now in the slumped job market should not be ignored.

Money and the power that follows it seem to be worshiped in our country.  To see that one just has to look at celebrity and who has political power. The most brilliant scientists are often ignored the most honest politicians and knowledgeable historians can often get a book published but are rarely known in popular culture or given the power to make real change.  When I tell my daughter to be honest, kind, and to work hard I feel like I might be setting her up for failure.

The other day I overheard a woman saying to her daughter that she was rude, stubborn, and mean and that is just how she likes her.  Is this what we are striving for? Are these the new characteristics we look for when we are electing our congress people for example? Unyielding? Stubborn? Ignorant? Incapable of listening? Powerful without merit? Are these the qualifications for employment? No wonder I can’t find my place I am totally confused about how to find power and get back into the job market the rules have completely changed.

Jobs for Everyone!!!!! Grab a Cupcake

How to Create a Job

"This American Life" has never disappointed me.  They do an amazing job of covering a multitude of angles and in asking the obvious questions, the ones that no one wants to seem stupid by asking but that are the most critical questions to ask. I was listening to 'How to Create a Job' while picking my daughter up from preschool.

"my teacher does that"  she mumbled from the back seat.
"Hmmmm what's that honey? your teacher does what?" I said looking for her face in the rear view mirror.
"My teacher makes jobs"
"how does she do that?"
"You know, she had a bake sale and we all got to work"

Of course.

But her teacher does make jobs. Educating our children and giving them the knowledge and tools to be innovative is creating jobs.  Have we educated older generations well enough to benefit from them now?
Likely not.  Or if we have we have overburdened them this student loans.

My daughter is picking up on my desperation to get a job.  She plays games using her little cash register all I have to do is follow her and give her my credit card and she will give me a job....easy enough.

Why can't it be that easy? Is that hope for simplicity what makes it so easy to believe politicians are capable of fulfilling promises of more jobs? If not, why don't we invest in politicians who are employing long term strategies for the future of the United State and not for the outcomes of the next election.

"Dust in the Wind"

 

One of the things that I love most about Anthropology and Archeology is probably the thing that makes me horrible in the field.  I am not good at remembering dates and times. When I manage to remember the geographical and morphological details of an Archeological find for a test or something I quickly forget it.  It is not that I don’t care about the artifacts and the details…I do. But I also want to get caught up in them like most other Anthropologists.  My mind gets completely lost in my own musings about mortality and imaginings about who these people where and how they felt.

Photo by Tara Downing

I realized this even more profoundly while hiking around the Fremont Indian State Park in Utah.  We hiked along a river and then up a sandy hill to a place called the cave of a hundred hands.  It was a small alcove covered by a row of bars to prevent looters and hoodlums from painting on and scratching up the wall.  The wall on the inside of the cave had hand prints…not hundreds by my count but several.  The hand prints where small and deliberate.  They were not smeared.   

I pictured a group of women with their children sitting in the shade of the cave.  As the women painted hides and baskets the children were bored and in the way.  The children were climbing over their mothers and sisters who were trying to make detailed designs. I probably was imprinting my own experience with this area onto people of the past.  Because my daughter, tiered and bored of walking, could not concentrate and stay on the path. One of the mothers came up with a project an idea to keep the small children occupied.  She took the extra paint from her artwork and gave it to the children instructing them to leave their mark.  The children with the help of a woman or an older child very carefully and thoughtfully put their hand marks on the wall.

Who were these women? What did they care about? Did they take the time to think about their place in the world in the universe? Were they happy? Did happiness matter to them? What does it say about me that I do care about all these things?

Living out here must have been difficult.  They must have had times when no food was available.  They must have seen their babies die. Worried about their husbands every hunt but they must have known how to celebrate every victory.  What luxury I have that I can worry about my place in the world.  How simply and sweetly these people left their marks and gained immortality without any intention of doing so.

Photo by Adam Olsen

How do I measure up? I feel like I can touch this person.  Our hands are the same size. Some day this world will belong to someone else and I will be long gone. Suddenly what I do for a living seems trivial.  Especially when, these people austerely, sitting on the hill  painting on the wall became so timeless and invaluable.

Waiting

I was told that some one would get back to me by the middle of the week. By Monday I was feeling quite optimistic and really excited about the job.  I was sure that this job was meant for me and I for it. It is now Tuesday afternoon and no call or email....I'm sure I didn't get it.  'Middle of the week' technically means Wednesday but if I keep up the same level of excitement by tomorrow I will be totally bummed.  So I started today...I'm sure I won't hear anything and several weeks from now I will get a rejection letter in the mail. I feel totally defeated. There is something that everyone else seems to know or have that I can't seem to get a grasp on. What is it? The overly confident people who actually know nothing but are so arrogant they don't know that seem to do very well.  How do I become like that? This entire time I have been thinking that all I need to do it keep learning.  Keep learning skills, information, systems, people, and anything you can get your hands on.  But the truth is if you know nothing but bully people into believing you know everything you will go far.  Case in point Donald Trump. I'm not sure I can be like that no matter how mean I become.

Oh well, I applied for about 5 more jobs and hopefully I will get an interview.  The upshot is that I know I want to work in research.  I have known that for a while but I wasn't really sure how that happened in the real world.  These RATS trainings have helped me see some of the areas in which I can do research. Baby steps.

RATS!!!!

RATS are workshops for scientist and students interested in learning more about research and research related topics.  Research Administration Training Series are workshops and classes offered at the University of Utah.  Several (about 4-5) certificates are offered when groupings of these classes are attended.  I have been wanting to attend these classes and I finally found time last week.  I went to a workshop called Science in Society.  I thought is was very informative over all and I liked hearing what the scientists in the class had to say about some of the issues.  David J. Grunwald, Ph.D., who directed the workshop is a man who does research with zebra fish.  I thought he was interesting.  My biggest complaint is that I thought he could have hit on more controversial issues.  For example when we talked about what scientific topics have been rejected by society and why the topic of evolution was completely forgotten.  Its much easier to talk about global climate change as a controversial issues because the controversy has mostly passed but bring up evolution amongst any group of people and the room in sure to have at least one moral/religious dissenter. He did talk about cloning which is a very divisive science.

The next workshop that I will be attending is Biosafety Level 2.  I will write about that workshop soon.

The Job Interview

I went to the job interview.  I probably should have prepped more.  I kind of think that if I am more authentic then I will find the job that I am suited for more than just get a job.  I think that may be pretty stupid now that I am writing it.  I of course read the job description a couple of times.  I had my transcripts, recommendations, and extra resumes in my purse.  I am just thinking about this now but I wish I had kept the letters of recommendation that people have written for me over the years. Maybe I could just ask my people to write me letters so that they don't have to be bothered every time I get a job rejection.  I feel bad applying for job after job mostly because I don't want my friends to be bothered anymore.  Most of my previous employers are retired of have moved on...impossible to track down.  Part of the problem with being a stay at home mom is that you loose touch with everyone and then all your friends are actually your kids friends' parents. Everyone moves on but I can't ask my daughter's friends parents to be recommend me.

Anyway, I am rambling.  I think the interview went well.  My two interviewers smiled at each other as I left.  I took that to mean, 'isn't this hilarious interviewing these morons is going to be so funny' or 'I am so excited about this one she is perfect'. I"ll find out in a couple weeks which one it was and I'll let you know.  I actually really want this job.  I have a slight bit of dread as my daughter seems to be going through a hard time right now.  I hope I can still have the sharpness and energy to help her transition into kindergarten and keep a part-time potentially full time job and do both well.

How low will you go?

I admit that in getting ready for this job interview, i dyed my hair.  Its not that I didn't like the color of my hair I just thought that the gray in my hair may make me look tiered and old.  Both of which are true I am tiered and I am old.  Am I old? I'm 34 but I feel like I should look 20. How is that done? And are employers really looking for looks? How do people who are older than me feel?  I didn't think I would be self-conscious about my age until I was at least 50.  What's the big deal?

I bought a new jacket for my interview (that seems like a reasonable job interview preparation (see link)). But while checking out I was asked if I wanted to be on their mailing list for coupons.  For some reason that requires a birth date, for birthday discounts she said.  But the clerk made very clear that I was not to worry they didn't need the year or anything just the month and day.  At vineyards no one asks me for my ID anymore.  What's the deal? Did something happen while I was busy? I got OLD!!!!?!!!? So what?

http://www.mancouch.com/726692627/more-job-seekers-turning-to-cosmetic-surgery-%E2%80%93-are-beautiful-people-more-likely-to-get-a-job/

Other "professional" options

The other night I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning.  We have been traveling across the country and staying in hotels; I felt even more upside-down and turned around than usual.  Also, my brother was leaving for a very long time, an unclear amount of time.  He may be fighting in war or assisting rebels in civil wars or sitting on a ship doing nothing.  Not sure how I felt about any of that I hoped for the latter and decided to see it as one of his life’s adventures…one of many future adventures. In my sleepless and exhausted state I decided I would give in.  I wanted to let my husband take care of all the complicated life’s questions work….money, career, etc.etc.  I felt and often feel overwhelmed so let him take care of it.  He is much more capable.

I want to be a trophy wife. So, as with any new venture that I know nothing about I Goggled it. “How to be become a trophy wife”.  Several answers came up including “trophy wife” pages. I was surprised at the number of websites devoted to this ‘profession’ there is even a wiki how page with step-by-step instructions on how to become a trophy wife.  First of course a woman or person must be, surprise surprise BLOND.  Well I am not blond and if I were to become blond I would look horrible, even worse than my current self.  Young…too late it’s no use.  If I had any hope of becoming a trophy wife my chance has passed…"Maybe I just don’t have any stature anymore".  Steve Zissou

The upside is, I have eliminated one option.  If you are having a difficult time sleeping or you are bored Google 'how to become a trophy wife' you are sure to find it entertaining.

Job Interview

I have a job interview.  It is for a local University research hospital.  I applied and interviewed for this same position about a month ago.  The only difference now is that the position offered is part-time.  Which actually suits me better as a mom.  Financially full time would be awesome (benefits) but emotionally I can handle part-time plus with the cost of childcare I prefer not to be working to pay the babysitter. I applied for this job several weeks ago and I was about to forget about it when I got a call for an interview.

The truth about interviews, at least how I see them is that they are ridiculous.  They are painfully bizarre and cheesy.  They are meeting for which employers find a few key questions that are supposed to tell them about the person being interviewed, their character, their intelligence, and their innate ability to do the job required.  These questions are studied by the interviewee...their answers are scripted.  In the end the only thing that the interviewer finds out about the applicant is his/her ability to Google the same interview questions and to memorize the best possible answer.  Its a ridiculous game that almost never matches the perfect personality to the perfect job. 


With the thought that I did not want to be anyone other than who I am in these interviews I have been honest in my last several job interviews.  I did not look up questions but only reviewed in my mind questions that I have heard before.  I was honest and I did not give cheesy contrived answers.  I said, yes I have a daughter and I have been raising her for the past 5 years. I do not have experience in this area.  Even though I know that people lie and that people say things like my worst trait is working too hard, I can no longer say those things with a straight fast.  Even though it is true that I do work hard and I am organized when I want to be, it is not my worst asset. 

In the last job interview for this same position I was asked, 'when was the last time you made a big mistake and what did you do about it'.  I was stuck.  I had no idea.  Huge mistake? Not that I am perfect but my biggest mistakes lately have been yelling at my daughter.  But I wasn't supposed to talk about my kids in an interview I read no too and all I could think of the entire interview was do I be me? or do I cheese it up?  It was totally bull shit and I ended up saying something about an embarrassing typo.  It's not like anyone lets me carry hearts around or asks me to draw blood from impossible veins. I don't really do anything where I can make huge mistakes.

How does questions like these tell them who I am?  I feel like I can't win.  I have to decide how I want to act at this job interview, I do want the job, so am I me? is that good enough? or am I supper hyper perfect me? (code for not a mom)

The Job Hunt

Job searching, is humiliating. Let face it if you work to get the credentials for one job by the time you get there that job is not offered anymore. All you have done is wasted time.  Like taking the time to re-write your resume for job descriptions that no one is even going to read, waste of time and frustrating. The job descriptions I have seen lately are ridiculously specific and almost seem like arbitrary qualifications.   For example requirements might be something like,  math wizard with the ability to roller-skate on one foot and experience in doing so for at least 12 years.


I saw a job description like that about a month ago and I thought it must have been a miracle because it was describing my exact qualifications...Bachelors degree in social science with a license for phlebotomy.  Who else could possibly have those two things?  They are mismatched and weird and I was qualified.  It felt good applying for a job that I seemed to match me so perfectly, almost like fate.  The job itself seemed interesting and challenging and fabulous.  I was so excited.  I was sure they would see my resume and be blown away at what a good match I was for the job.

I was called for a job interview.  I did everything right, I wore my most boring and uncomfortable clothes, I came in 10 min early, I didn't say anything when they kept me waiting for 35 min.  My first interviewer was nice and we seemed to have somethings in common.  A second woman came in and asked me a few blunt questions she cut me off and then left.  I said nothing. I could have answered some questions better but I was nervous. Then I left, I wrote thank you notes and I brought over those notes along with a list of references the next day.

Interviews are so humiliating.  You meet a person for the first time and they get to say and ask you whatever they what.  In no other social situation is this acceptable. They look you over to see if your shoes are shinny and your nails are polished.  Is your hair well conditioned and your suit a good fit. A person, rejected again and again starts to question everything about herself.

The next thing I know the job is closed...they hired no one. Was I that bad that they would rather have no one than work with me? Obsessively going through the interview in my head, no wonder, I came off like a total duffus.  I am stupid.  I am fat, they must think that my fatness is a sign that I have no self control.  Maybe they think I'm gross or like being fat means I am really messy and disorganized. Did I tell them I am a mom? I got too personal, they know that I have other obligations, every interview informational says do not mention you are a mom. Maybe I asked for too much money. Maybe I'm too old. Maybe I've been out of the job market for too long, etc.

I heard a man on NPR yesterday.  It was about joblessness in America.  He, in his 40's was a bank manager before the economic collapse.  He has run out of severance money and gone through all of his contacts.  He is being ostracized for his need.  Need is so unattractive.  I found myself thinking about all the reasons he might be unemployable.  Maybe he is annoying... maybe he was a mean boss... managers? they don't really know how to run anything they just have to know someone who does.  I had to think about all the reasons this situation could not happen to me. The truth is he probably worked hard to get to that managers position. He may have even been able to run the bank himself. He was probably a nice boss, he sounded nice.  He was probably devoted to his bank and maybe even made personal life choices based on what was best for the job.  He is us...He is me.

On a side note their has to be a way where we can make job interviews less humiliating and cut out the stupid questions.  No way anyone who has ever interviewed me has any idea about who I am based on the stupid questions they ask me.  How about a revolution in Human Resources lets get some conversations going about who we really are.

Is it a questions of motivation or time?

I had two career events scheduled this week.  I had time for both, small windows of time when my daughter is in school but time nevertheless.  I didn't go to either of them.  I missed one because I wanted to play racket-ball with my husband and this window of time was the only one we could find.  I missed the next one because I had a thing at work. I feel really flaky and bad about it but really, I don't regret it.  I just didn't have the time.  If I am always putting my family/health/relationships first does that mean their is no time for anything else? I can be so good at organizing most things but my career seems to elude me.