Mom or not to mom

I went to a job interview a few weeks ago, I thought it went really well, but I didn't get the job.  I used to have a good read on these things but I really don't know any more.  I am really confused about how my role as a mom fits into my job search. To some people parenting is just something that they do at home. But for me its what I do ALL the time.  I have focused on parenting for 7 years but to employers I might as well have been in a dark hole in the desert eating ants. They don't even ask me about those 7 years missing on my resume. I think about , parenting, I read about child development, child education, infant care, etc. I am constantly thinking about how I can be a better mom and how I can help my kids be better or do more. So when I leave that part of me out of the interview.....I think I come off as flat and boring. So, I decided to add this to my resume.  I'm interested in seeing what it yields. 

Side note. I have decided to go to school part-time.....again.  I am hoping to focus on math (scary) so that I can broaden my options.

Mama                                   In the home of Adam and Tara

Dec. 5, 2005-always 

•         Co-financial officer 
•         Chief purchasing officer 
•         Health care coordinator/record keeper 
•         Memory/event  archivist 
•         First aid Responder 
•         Education coordinator (teacher and tutor)
  o   Including impromptu workshops on: sharing, contributing to your community and world, being kind, talking in public, showing feelings, I’m perfect the way I am, I am more than what I look like, and table manners 
  o   Teach classes in Math, Science, Writing, Spelling, Colors, Shapes, Crafts, Holiday Celebrations, and History  
   
• Editor
  o    Check homework including editing advanced engineering and scientific papers for my husband and graduate school applications for neighbors and friends  
  24 hour care-taking 
  o   specializing in middle of the night ‘you hurt my feelings’ and ‘I had a scary thought/read a scary book’ 
  o   Also, ‘I don’t know what to wear’ 
  o   Bath time and taking care of yourself 
  Health
  o   Eating healthy foods/being active 
  o   Sleep
   Emergency preparedness officer 
  
  o    Setting up and managing savings accounts and insurance policies. Writing will and setting up godparents. Coordinating emergency evacuation routes and plans for fire, earth quake, I’m late to pick you up, etc.
   Setting a good example 
  
  o   Volunteering in community organizations whenever possible, putting an emphasis and priority on education, being honest, being forgiving, and being available to help. 
    World Watch 
  o   Keeping up on political news local, national, and world 
  o   Staying informed on such topics as; women in the world and workplace, global climate change, economic news, equal rights, national security, world conflicts, etc. 

• Morale
• Dancing
• Laughing
• Impromptu comedian

A new plan

I haven’t updated this blog for quite some time.  I haven’t had much to say because I am pregnant and I decided to accept my fate of chronic unemployment for a while and try to settle in and enjoy motherhood while I’m pregnant. This decision was more easily justified because I had a miscarriage in September, which reminded me to take care of myself and to enjoy my six year old daughter. 

We decided to have one more child because we started to see what a mad world we live in.  Once you put your children out there (into school or onto the playground) you begin to see how little people seem to care about how they treat each other or how their children treat each other.  I was fairly certain that as strong and smart as my daughter is, she needs a ally.  I want her to have a friend, in this case a sister who will be by her side or at least always be her sister their entire lives. Hopefully in a week or so I can give that gift to my daughter.

I am not unaware of the financial burden that I have put on my family by not working.  It weighs heavily on me every day as I know it weighs on my husband. Every week I think about how we can give our new baby and our daughter what they need.  I also think about how much I want to have big fat college funds for them and I want to be able to provide them with experiences all over the world.  I have to put faith (I don't believe in faith) into the idea that when they are older and in school I can make up for lost time and work my ass off to replenish the families savings and help give them what they need when they need it.  For now I think what they need most is my time.  Although, I think my girls also need a stronger female role model I think my temper can only give them the stay at home version of me, for now.

I have recently become aware that I have a faithful follower (my husband). I think he is an obsessed fan.  I had no idea he was still checking my blog for updates.  So, as long as I have at least one reader I suspect it is worth my time to keep writing, even if it’s just for him.

The thought that keeps running through my head as I am getting closer and closer to delivering my baby are all the stories people tell about pregnant women.  Late in their pregnancies a large number of pregnant women seem to have supper human abilities.  I’m sure you have heard something like this: (fill in the blanks)

 I knew/herd of/saw a woman who was ____ months pregnant who _____ without a problem.

So for example, ‘I saw a woman who must have been 9moths pregnant and she was running a 10k’

This brings me to ask many questions.  First off, where are all these pregnant women jumping on trampolines, ski diving, biking, riding horseback, climbing, etc., etc.  The U.S. must be some kind of pregnant playground where women are not susceptible to back pain, hemorrhoids, preterm labor, and placental dislodging. This place must be a place where pregnant women can still fit in their harnesses and suck in the baby belly for a morning run uninhibited by a bouncing belly. They must have some secret to forming cast iron wombs where the fetus is not susceptible to the mothers shifting balance falls.

The myth or truth (I don’t know everything) I have heard most commonly is the one where the pregnant woman is working in the field.  Have you heard it? It goes something like this, ‘women (change history or time, so either in other countries or used to) work in the fields all day and when they were ready to deliver the baby they would go by a tree, squat, have their baby put the baby on their back and continue working’.  That’s it? Easy….what about the placenta? You might ask. The head never gets stuck? The placenta always comes out? The woman never gets too tiered that she doesn’t want to go pull weeds after she gives birth? I call bull shit.   

The oldest documents that I have ever read about child birth are the Aztec Codex and they have a very elaborate birthing ritual. The parents plan feasts and the woman rests and at least a midwife is there to assist, if I recall correctly the woman is build her own birthing hut.  In many of the ethnographies I have read even when a woman menstraits gender taboos restrict her to a separate living space where she is meant to rest.

So that brings me to the questions; why do we tell these stories? Why is so much pressure put on women to be super human even during the most vulnerable times in their lives? Why isn’t it ok for her to be vulnerable or in pain? What is the male equivalent right of passage? And if such an experience existed for men would it be ok for them to hurt? To rest? To cry? Who is the culprit? Who repeats these stories that puts so much pressure on women? And, are these stories the reason women opt out of experiencing the pain? (so much pressure not to feel what is felt).

My baby is due in exactly 6 days.  These are the questions I will be thinking about during the next week.  I admittedly am in horrible pain; back pain, pelvic pain, nausea, and leg cramps. I also sleep maybe the equivalent of 2-3 nights a week. I am attempting to experience the birth of my baby without the aid of medications…..or at least not strong medications.  I do give into Tylenol every once and a while now but I want to experience this birth without the complications that medicines can cause.  Fingers crossed, we’ll see how it goes, I'm ok with calling uncle.

On the career front I am still keeping my eye out.  I often check job postings late at night when I can't sleep or I feel a financial crunch.  I also look at masters and certificate programs hoping for an obvious and workable choice.  I think the big belly puts me on a hiring freeze...for now.

What are the rules of power and money?

 

Over the last few days I have found myself changing my mind about small things because of something my husband said.  Before I explain I should say that my husband, Adam, for the most part is not pushy or demanding.  The few incidences I am referring to are things like, “I am going to take a shower” and he says, “Why are you going to take a shower we are going to be in the car all day”.  Ok I don’t take a shower.  Later he is surprised that I haven’t taken a shower despite his comment. I am not always so easily thrown off track. Things have changed.

When I decided to quit my job and stay home with our daughter I took several things into consideration.  Our finances for example played a big role in decision and we knew we were taking a huge risk. What I didn’t take into consideration was the balance of power and trust and how that would affect me and Adam. Power and the ability to make money and the actually making of money are an intrical part of feeling value. 

I work every day at keeping our daughter healthy, active, educated and happy; and our house semi-clean.  I am busy everyday almost all day including late night, night-mares and in infancy late night feeding and diaper changing. Every day I woke up feeling worthless like my contribution was not worthy of anything.  I felt like I had, from one day to the next, become completely invalid and separated from the world. I was not a woman or a person-I was a mother. I did not feel I had the right to an opinion or decision making power in my relationship.  I felt completely dependent on my husband and the choices that he made. Am I wrong? Overtime I have become more confident but really I was a new mother with an infant child that I could not leave in daycare.  I did not have family childcare support and even if I did the job market is so bad. Getting a job interview is and was torture never guaranteed anything.

I had never felt the correlation between money and power so strongly.  Even though my husband feels strongly about “our” money being the money that he earns I felt incredibly vulnerable to his will.  I felt a complete loss of power.  With time I am beginning to feel more powerful and more confident in the power sharing.  However the dynamic of power and money should be more closely studied and not discounted. The role that money and power plays in the class struggle and now in the slumped job market should not be ignored.

Money and the power that follows it seem to be worshiped in our country.  To see that one just has to look at celebrity and who has political power. The most brilliant scientists are often ignored the most honest politicians and knowledgeable historians can often get a book published but are rarely known in popular culture or given the power to make real change.  When I tell my daughter to be honest, kind, and to work hard I feel like I might be setting her up for failure.

The other day I overheard a woman saying to her daughter that she was rude, stubborn, and mean and that is just how she likes her.  Is this what we are striving for? Are these the new characteristics we look for when we are electing our congress people for example? Unyielding? Stubborn? Ignorant? Incapable of listening? Powerful without merit? Are these the qualifications for employment? No wonder I can’t find my place I am totally confused about how to find power and get back into the job market the rules have completely changed.

Jobs for Everyone!!!!! Grab a Cupcake

How to Create a Job

"This American Life" has never disappointed me.  They do an amazing job of covering a multitude of angles and in asking the obvious questions, the ones that no one wants to seem stupid by asking but that are the most critical questions to ask. I was listening to 'How to Create a Job' while picking my daughter up from preschool.

"my teacher does that"  she mumbled from the back seat.
"Hmmmm what's that honey? your teacher does what?" I said looking for her face in the rear view mirror.
"My teacher makes jobs"
"how does she do that?"
"You know, she had a bake sale and we all got to work"

Of course.

But her teacher does make jobs. Educating our children and giving them the knowledge and tools to be innovative is creating jobs.  Have we educated older generations well enough to benefit from them now?
Likely not.  Or if we have we have overburdened them this student loans.

My daughter is picking up on my desperation to get a job.  She plays games using her little cash register all I have to do is follow her and give her my credit card and she will give me a job....easy enough.

Why can't it be that easy? Is that hope for simplicity what makes it so easy to believe politicians are capable of fulfilling promises of more jobs? If not, why don't we invest in politicians who are employing long term strategies for the future of the United State and not for the outcomes of the next election.

"Dust in the Wind"

 

One of the things that I love most about Anthropology and Archeology is probably the thing that makes me horrible in the field.  I am not good at remembering dates and times. When I manage to remember the geographical and morphological details of an Archeological find for a test or something I quickly forget it.  It is not that I don’t care about the artifacts and the details…I do. But I also want to get caught up in them like most other Anthropologists.  My mind gets completely lost in my own musings about mortality and imaginings about who these people where and how they felt.

Photo by Tara Downing

I realized this even more profoundly while hiking around the Fremont Indian State Park in Utah.  We hiked along a river and then up a sandy hill to a place called the cave of a hundred hands.  It was a small alcove covered by a row of bars to prevent looters and hoodlums from painting on and scratching up the wall.  The wall on the inside of the cave had hand prints…not hundreds by my count but several.  The hand prints where small and deliberate.  They were not smeared.   

I pictured a group of women with their children sitting in the shade of the cave.  As the women painted hides and baskets the children were bored and in the way.  The children were climbing over their mothers and sisters who were trying to make detailed designs. I probably was imprinting my own experience with this area onto people of the past.  Because my daughter, tiered and bored of walking, could not concentrate and stay on the path. One of the mothers came up with a project an idea to keep the small children occupied.  She took the extra paint from her artwork and gave it to the children instructing them to leave their mark.  The children with the help of a woman or an older child very carefully and thoughtfully put their hand marks on the wall.

Who were these women? What did they care about? Did they take the time to think about their place in the world in the universe? Were they happy? Did happiness matter to them? What does it say about me that I do care about all these things?

Living out here must have been difficult.  They must have had times when no food was available.  They must have seen their babies die. Worried about their husbands every hunt but they must have known how to celebrate every victory.  What luxury I have that I can worry about my place in the world.  How simply and sweetly these people left their marks and gained immortality without any intention of doing so.

Photo by Adam Olsen

How do I measure up? I feel like I can touch this person.  Our hands are the same size. Some day this world will belong to someone else and I will be long gone. Suddenly what I do for a living seems trivial.  Especially when, these people austerely, sitting on the hill  painting on the wall became so timeless and invaluable.

Waiting

I was told that some one would get back to me by the middle of the week. By Monday I was feeling quite optimistic and really excited about the job.  I was sure that this job was meant for me and I for it. It is now Tuesday afternoon and no call or email....I'm sure I didn't get it.  'Middle of the week' technically means Wednesday but if I keep up the same level of excitement by tomorrow I will be totally bummed.  So I started today...I'm sure I won't hear anything and several weeks from now I will get a rejection letter in the mail. I feel totally defeated. There is something that everyone else seems to know or have that I can't seem to get a grasp on. What is it? The overly confident people who actually know nothing but are so arrogant they don't know that seem to do very well.  How do I become like that? This entire time I have been thinking that all I need to do it keep learning.  Keep learning skills, information, systems, people, and anything you can get your hands on.  But the truth is if you know nothing but bully people into believing you know everything you will go far.  Case in point Donald Trump. I'm not sure I can be like that no matter how mean I become.

Oh well, I applied for about 5 more jobs and hopefully I will get an interview.  The upshot is that I know I want to work in research.  I have known that for a while but I wasn't really sure how that happened in the real world.  These RATS trainings have helped me see some of the areas in which I can do research. Baby steps.

RATS!!!!

RATS are workshops for scientist and students interested in learning more about research and research related topics.  Research Administration Training Series are workshops and classes offered at the University of Utah.  Several (about 4-5) certificates are offered when groupings of these classes are attended.  I have been wanting to attend these classes and I finally found time last week.  I went to a workshop called Science in Society.  I thought is was very informative over all and I liked hearing what the scientists in the class had to say about some of the issues.  David J. Grunwald, Ph.D., who directed the workshop is a man who does research with zebra fish.  I thought he was interesting.  My biggest complaint is that I thought he could have hit on more controversial issues.  For example when we talked about what scientific topics have been rejected by society and why the topic of evolution was completely forgotten.  Its much easier to talk about global climate change as a controversial issues because the controversy has mostly passed but bring up evolution amongst any group of people and the room in sure to have at least one moral/religious dissenter. He did talk about cloning which is a very divisive science.

The next workshop that I will be attending is Biosafety Level 2.  I will write about that workshop soon.

The Job Interview

I went to the job interview.  I probably should have prepped more.  I kind of think that if I am more authentic then I will find the job that I am suited for more than just get a job.  I think that may be pretty stupid now that I am writing it.  I of course read the job description a couple of times.  I had my transcripts, recommendations, and extra resumes in my purse.  I am just thinking about this now but I wish I had kept the letters of recommendation that people have written for me over the years. Maybe I could just ask my people to write me letters so that they don't have to be bothered every time I get a job rejection.  I feel bad applying for job after job mostly because I don't want my friends to be bothered anymore.  Most of my previous employers are retired of have moved on...impossible to track down.  Part of the problem with being a stay at home mom is that you loose touch with everyone and then all your friends are actually your kids friends' parents. Everyone moves on but I can't ask my daughter's friends parents to be recommend me.

Anyway, I am rambling.  I think the interview went well.  My two interviewers smiled at each other as I left.  I took that to mean, 'isn't this hilarious interviewing these morons is going to be so funny' or 'I am so excited about this one she is perfect'. I"ll find out in a couple weeks which one it was and I'll let you know.  I actually really want this job.  I have a slight bit of dread as my daughter seems to be going through a hard time right now.  I hope I can still have the sharpness and energy to help her transition into kindergarten and keep a part-time potentially full time job and do both well.

How low will you go?

I admit that in getting ready for this job interview, i dyed my hair.  Its not that I didn't like the color of my hair I just thought that the gray in my hair may make me look tiered and old.  Both of which are true I am tiered and I am old.  Am I old? I'm 34 but I feel like I should look 20. How is that done? And are employers really looking for looks? How do people who are older than me feel?  I didn't think I would be self-conscious about my age until I was at least 50.  What's the big deal?

I bought a new jacket for my interview (that seems like a reasonable job interview preparation (see link)). But while checking out I was asked if I wanted to be on their mailing list for coupons.  For some reason that requires a birth date, for birthday discounts she said.  But the clerk made very clear that I was not to worry they didn't need the year or anything just the month and day.  At vineyards no one asks me for my ID anymore.  What's the deal? Did something happen while I was busy? I got OLD!!!!?!!!? So what?

http://www.mancouch.com/726692627/more-job-seekers-turning-to-cosmetic-surgery-%E2%80%93-are-beautiful-people-more-likely-to-get-a-job/

Other "professional" options

The other night I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning.  We have been traveling across the country and staying in hotels; I felt even more upside-down and turned around than usual.  Also, my brother was leaving for a very long time, an unclear amount of time.  He may be fighting in war or assisting rebels in civil wars or sitting on a ship doing nothing.  Not sure how I felt about any of that I hoped for the latter and decided to see it as one of his life’s adventures…one of many future adventures. In my sleepless and exhausted state I decided I would give in.  I wanted to let my husband take care of all the complicated life’s questions work….money, career, etc.etc.  I felt and often feel overwhelmed so let him take care of it.  He is much more capable.

I want to be a trophy wife. So, as with any new venture that I know nothing about I Goggled it. “How to be become a trophy wife”.  Several answers came up including “trophy wife” pages. I was surprised at the number of websites devoted to this ‘profession’ there is even a wiki how page with step-by-step instructions on how to become a trophy wife.  First of course a woman or person must be, surprise surprise BLOND.  Well I am not blond and if I were to become blond I would look horrible, even worse than my current self.  Young…too late it’s no use.  If I had any hope of becoming a trophy wife my chance has passed…"Maybe I just don’t have any stature anymore".  Steve Zissou

The upside is, I have eliminated one option.  If you are having a difficult time sleeping or you are bored Google 'how to become a trophy wife' you are sure to find it entertaining.